Fifteen freakin' items or less.

Dear Lady With Forty Eight Groceries Who Cut in Front of Me in the Fifteen Items or Less Line,

I know it is not your fault that I drove an hour and half to the doctor, valet parked my car (otherwise you hoof it from five blocks away and save two dollars), spent three whole minutes with the doctor, paid $11 damn dollars to get my car back, then drove another 45 minutes to get home and was pretty pissed off before I walked in the store. It is also not yur fault that it took my daughter 3.5 seconds to load 27 lipsticks, 6 eyeliners, and 5 toothbrushes into my cart, and then proceeded to throw herself on the floor when I put it all back. By the time I walked toward the line, I was exhausted and much more pissed off. However, ramming your basket into my three-year-old while racing to beat me to the line was completely uncalled for. True, it probably did not warrant my exclaimation of "Watch it, Bitch," but I was grumpy, and you knocked my kid, like, three feet. Also, when I told you that your actions set "my poor, disabled child back at least a few months," I might have been exaggerating. I also flat out lied when I told you that you caused her implant to malfunction, as it was now blinking. Actually, the batteries were just low. I am very sorry.

I do, however, appreciate your desire to follow grocery store rules, although, etiquette rules seem to have escaped you. It was very kind of you to have the checker ring you up in THREE seperate purchases, so that you did not violate the 15 items or less rule. I also thank you for being the one person on Earth who has hung on to their checkbook and blown off the way too convenient debit card. I too agree that us Americans expect too much instant gratification. And what better way to hold your ground against instant gratification than by taking nine hours to write a check, in which you detail in the memo what exactly you are buying. Also, what a good thing you were recorded your exact purchase in the memo of your third check, because how else would you have know that your forgot breadcrumbs? Although, this did pose quite a dilema. Do you break the fifteen item or less rule or have this one rang up seperately. I appreciate your effort to include the checker in this debate. I am very sorry that she did not give a fuck, and the expression on her face told you so. I know it hurt your feelings to the point of needing to inform the manager. I am so very sorry that your insistance on contacting the manager delayed your ability to locate the breadcrumbs. While I was gracious enough to offer to go get your "fucking breadcrumbs" for you, I do understand that my tone was not quite neccessary. I also appreciate your desire to discuss my behavior with my mother. Although, I am quite sure, she does not give a crap how I behave, as I am no longer her repsonsibility. It so refreshing to see someone take such an interest in my behavior, though. Thank you ever so much.

While we are taking such an interest in other people's behavior, I would like to offer some suggestions to you. The whole "using checks to battle instant gratification thing" earns you points for creativity, but it is, perhaps, not the most logical method. I would suggest cutting out the nineteen tv dinners you are purchasing. Nothing scream instant gratifcation more than a complete meal ready in three minutes. Also, when the checker looks completely mortified and irritated at your three check out process, it might be because she knows that she will now have to deal with the next fourteen people in line who are pissed because they stood in line behind you. Please have patience with her and be thankful that she has not beaten you, yet. Also, while completely impressive, your mad dash sprint across the store to race me to the checkout line, does not constitute excercise. If you would like, I can offer some suggestions for excercise that do not include mauling three year olds in line 1. As for your suggestion to speak to my mother about my behavior, I suggest you give me your mother's phone number. Before I call, does your mother get offended by the word "fuck?"

Again, it was wonderful meeting you. No really, when I screamed that as you walked off, I was not being sarcastic. No way. Completeley serious. I truely enjoy spending thirty minutes in the checkout line for four items.

Sincerely,
The Incredibly Pissed Off Woman In Line Behind You