Friday, May 30, 2008
The tap dance went great. She missed a few parts, as she was distracted by everyone watching. But at least she wasn't the kid who was too scared to perform or the one that was skipping around making some weird noise.
Then it came time for the ballet. They lined up. Emmi was talking to Jill, waving to my mom, and wiggling around. My mom signed for her to watch. Then. All hell broke loose. A sign language argument ensued. One in which she says not one word. Just signs "STOP" multiple times, followed by many other things. Eventually, there is some dancing. Although, not at all what the other children are doing. By the time, the second performance rolls around, we thought she had calmed down.
We were wrong.... And so.... argument 1 and 2.
Woke up with Kenny at 6:30. Had coffee while checking my email. Quietly. No grumpy child complaining about being awake or asking for more cereal. By 6:45, my workday began.
Fed my kids popcorn for breakfast. Went well with the movie I let them watch at 8am.
Didn't iron the clothes they put on today. Sundresses require little ironing. Tied no shoelaces. Both kids wore flip-flops.
By 11am, both errands for the day checked off my to-do list. Balloons, ribbons, and ice cream for party tomorrow purchased. Let kids have ice cream before lunch. Kids super happy as they normally don't ever get ice cream.
Heated up pizza rolls for lunch. Let kids eat in front of TV.
Going swimming in ten minutes. Swimming + hot sun = very worn out kids. I am thinking another movie time might happen this afternoon.
I love summer.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
For Christmas, I found a review of cookie cutters that were all missing pieces like someone had taken a bite out of them. Funny. I ordered sets for all of the teachers. That went over well. For weeks, I have been trying to come up with a summer-type theme. I asked a few teacher friends for ideas. We came up with a few things. All of them too expensive. Or inappropriate And then. Last night it came to me. Ice cream scoops with a gift card to a local ice cream shop attached to them. Perfect!
Jill's awards ceremony was this morning. I figured I could run to the dollar store and grab some ice cream scoops and be done with the whole thing by 10:30 this morning. Wrong. Dollar store number one. No ice cream scoops. By the third dollar store, two Targets, and Hobby Lobby, I was beginning to think I should abandon the idea. Or I already had. But I had nothing else. I needed to do something by tomorrow. Party City was my last shot. I though perhaps people throwing parties might need to scoop ice cream.
Up and down the isles I went. And finally. There they were. Two full boxes. And they were cute. Score! I grabbed one to check the price. Please, please let it be cheap. I couldn't afford expensive ones. Not just to use to attach to gift cards. I flipped the tag over....
"Uh ma'am. I need to stock that shelf. You need to move." The sales girl smacked her gum as she talked. Stereotypical.
"I am looking here. I'll be done in a minute." I didn't budge. She got pissed.
"I need to stock that shelf. You can take your ice cream scoop down there to look at it."
Oh hell no. No little sixteen-year-old was going to talk to me like that. And? Seriously. I AM THE CUSTOMER. What the fuck?
I grabbed Emmi, and marched to the front of the store to find the manager. I explained what had happened. How the idiot girl had asked me to move, to stop shopping so she could stock the shelf. Then I held up the ice cream scoop. "See this. I needed TEN of them. I have been to FIVE stores to find ice cream scoops. And I need TEN. You have ten. But I won't buy them from you now, because your employee was so rude."
Or because they were $13.99 a piece which I saw long before the girl asked me to move, as I was about to put it back on the shelf.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Her party is on Saturday. I had to go back today to order another, much larger, cake for her party. This time the cupcake cake shaped like a guitar. We have been searching for months for Hannah Montana plates and napkins and such to no avail. I found them online, but the shipping costs three times the amount of the stupid plates. Hell no. So I resolved to buy purple table covers, napkins, and plates. At least the cake went with the theme. I was already at Walmart, so I decided to grab the supplies while I was there.
I went to the party supply isle. It seemed kind of bare. There were two large boxes at the end of the isle. Obviously they were restocking. The pickings were slim. I eyed the boxes to see if perhaps there might be more purple table cloths inside. I needed one more. Then I saw it. The packing slip said "H. Montana." No. It couldn't be. I opened the box, and there inside. was. Hannah. Montana. party. supplies. I quickly found someone to help me. He informed that the items had not been properly stocked or checked in or whatever, so I would have to wait. Being the crazy lady that I am, I demanded that he do it right then. I had to have those. I think I scared him, and he wanted me to leave. But there was no getting rid of me until I got my Hannah Montana party supplies. I waited while he scanned each item, and grabbed them from him before he could even shelve them. I scooped up napkins, and plates, and a Happy Birthday banner, and party favors, and I think perhaps I will be the best mommy ever.
And Walmart. Sorry about that hating you thing.
1. Order Jill's (second) birthday cake. This one for her party next weekend.
2. Work on party favors for Jill's birthday. It's a Hannah Montana themed party. I am burning copies of Hannah Montana CD's with customized CD covers, tying a balloon to it, and calling it a day.
3. Shop online for new bathing suit. I know I own like forty bathing suits. But a girl always needs a new bathing suit for vacation...AND Kenny and I finally booked our trip to Mexico!!
4. Pack up winter clothes from the girl's closets. Bleh. I think I will keep putting that one off.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Half-way through the movie and the topics that have been brought up so far are death, periods, smoking joints, womanizing, and AIDS. Although the movie didn't directly bring up AIDS. I just had to strongly warn her against the whole "blood brothers" thing.
I've already explained the death thing, so all we have left is the momma in jail thing after I kill her father.
****Disclaimer: I am not threatening to kill her father for real. We get along just fine.******
Friday, May 23, 2008
Since we moved in the house next door has been partially burned down. After living here a year and a half, they finally started to tear it down on Monday to rebuild.
As we were tucking Jill into bed the night before her birthday, she asked for a hint about her present. "Is it big or small?"
"Well, I had to use the trailer to pick it up," Kenny said.
Jill looked confused. Nothing she asked for was that big.
"Yep. And we had them tear down that burned down house, so we could set it up over there."
She looked at me astonished. Then, after a minute, her eyes narrowed. "You are lying!"
"Oh honey. I prefer to call it tricks."
Thursday, May 22, 2008
She was very excited for her birthday. She has been asking for a pink ipod for months. I convinced her the was no way in hell I was buying a seven year old an ipod. Hehehe. I already had bought it. And loaded it with every song and tv show she likes. Plus a few movies. Most of the time, she doesn't fall for my tricks, but the neighbors all started talking about how ridiculous it was that young children were given gifts like that. Obviously, their kids don't make 2 hour flights by themselves, four times a year, round trip. Or take their ipod out of their purse, and go off and listen to it....sitting quietly for the ONLY time that whole day. Or love music the way Jill does. Or actually take care of their possessions. Anyway, she was convinced she would not get it. She gave me a list of other acceptable gifts that I immediately handed over to my mom, sister, and Kenny's mom.
This morning, we woke her up with her gift. The new ipods are smaller than the one I have (the video classic) so she was still thrown off by the size of the box. She shook it. She tested the weight. She made a few guesses. "A rock?" We laughed. She opened it. She looked at us in shock. She jumped up and down. She squealed. Hell, even if she never uses it, it was worth that moment.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Kenny has been wanting an outdoor kitchen since before we even officially moved in. It is all he has talked about. When we put in the pool, we ran water, electric, and sewer lines to the spot that he chose for said outdoor kitchen. But then? We did nothing with it for months. On Sunday we bit the bullet, and started the project. By Monday, we had most of the right side of the base complete, except one board. One little angle wasn't working out. It should. But it wasn't. It worked on paper. But not so much when we put it together.
My mom, dad, and I spent all morning doing the math to correct it. Finally, we thought we had it. I measured it out, marked the boards. By God! It looked right. I really wanted to cut it. But? I didn't even know how to turn on the miter saw. Hell. I even call the saw the "cutty thingie." I couldn't call Kenny to ask, because that would ruin the surprise, and he had long since thrown out the instructions. So I researched. I looked up the manual online. And when I was fairly convinced that I wouldn't chop my fingers off, I practiced on a scrap board. And? It was fun! Brrrrwwwwww! Cut. Cut. CHOP! In no time, I had not only cut that board, but finished the entire left side of the base, all while Jill and the neighbor's kiddo happily swam in the pool.
By the time I dropped the neighbor's kid off, I was hot and sweaty from working in the backyard and never actually getting in the pool. Her dad questioned why I didn't just swim with the kids. So I told him about my little construction project. His eyes got wide. He got a goofy grin on his face. "Wow! Kenny is going to be very happy." He was in awe.
I spend everyday eating healthy, running, precisely applying makeup, carefully ironing clothes, spraying perfume, straightening my hair (okay, that is a bit of a lie....but you get my point). AND? I have never had a man look at me with such adoration as when I told him I not only knew what a miter saw was, but how to use it. Today? I am mastering the table saw and the drill. I am going to be the hottest mommy on the block.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
So this morning, when a construction crew shows up bright and early, all the neighbors got very excited. Kenny confirmed that, unlike the rumors (we heard they were tearing it down), they were going to rebuild it. We all celebrated. Yay for our house values. Yay for not finding kids playing in the burned down house anymore. I was happy. It is going to be a pain in the ass during the construction. My dogs had already exhausted themselves by barking all morning. The summer is just starting, and we have a construction crew standing on a roof, looking right at our pool. So much for my little backyard oasis. But, still. Happy.
Until I came home from running errands this morning. And. Found an 18-wheeler in my front yard. That's right. MY FRONT YARD. Parked in my grass.
Tiffany, what was it I yelled when I got out of the car? FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC? Do you think that means the same thing in Spanish as it does in English?
Sunday, May 18, 2008
But seriously? How do you punish this.......
Even when you catch it doing something like this.....
Notice how I grab a camera, before I save Jill from being beat with a stick.
Friday, May 16, 2008
"Yeah, well, I am totally not surprised that you have a hooker for a cat.....Hooker."
I say it with such shock and lightness there is no way she can be mad at me for calling her a hooker. Plus, you can completely get away with calling your friends hookers when you make this face right afterwards.
Silence. I know Tiffany is giving me the look. Hehehe. She is scowling at me through the phone.
(Sorry Tiff. Hope you don't take offense to being HEIDI. She just makes the best scowly face.)
"Speaking of hookers, how many different dads do your kids have?" Boo. She wins. I change the subject.
"Hey remember the last time your cat had kittens and that girl bought one for her boyfriend?" We both start giggling.
"That was soooo not the kind of pussy he was asking for."
"Stupid girl. I bet she felt retarded when she was like 'look baby' and he was like 'what the hell is that' and she was like 'pussy, just like you asked for'. Maybe you should have told her before she took that poor kitty home."
"Hell no. I had to get rid of those kitties. Thank goodness for Craigslist."
"Just make sure you don't type in Craiglist. Unless you like porn, Tiff." I pause. She knows what is coming next. I never bring up porn without making Captain Hook jokes. Let's just say we were both accidentally subjected to viewing some homemade porn one day at work and all we can think of now when we hear the word "porn" is that maneuver we saw that we subsequently named the "Captain Hook".
"Holla!" Cause that is how we end every conversation.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Until Jill accidentally burned Emmi's hand tonight. Bad. And Emmi? She yells to Jill, "Ow. What the fuck?!"
And when Kenny and I look at each other shocked and start giggling (all while Jill is scolding us for laughing because that "will teach Emmi that being naughty is funny"), Emmi again says, "What the FUCK?"
And Kenny and I had to leave the room we are laughing so hard.
*****This morning, Emmi was upstairs yelling, "PINK," at the top of her lungs. This means she wants strawberry (pink) milk. I was ignoring her. Because, well, I don't particularly like my kids screaming demands at me. So I walked in the kitchen, and Kenny, with a smirk on his face says in the perfect imitation of Emmi, "Wha da fahhhck, PIIIIIINK!" And I spit my coffee out, I started laughing so hard.*******
Monday, May 12, 2008
It's the bad reviews I look for. I want to find the negative points. Then, I decide which negative is worse. Food, beach conditions, cleanliness. Today, after reading two full pages of good reviews on the resort that is currently number one on my list, I finally found a negative review. They gave 1 star across the board for all categories. Hmmm? I clicked to read the full review. I must know. Why had their stay been so bad? Everyone else had rave reviews. It is a five star resort. Most people felt it lived up to that reputation. Obviously this person didn't. And? The reason why? Well, for starters not all of the staff spoke "clear and understandable English," almost all the maids spoke "mostly Spanish." Oh no! You mean, you went to MEXICO and they dared to speak Spanish and not English. Really. The nerve! I am can't believe that they did not learn English just for you. You most certainly learned Spanish to converse with them when they come to the US, right? And if that wasn't enough? The wary travellers who could not get enough of their native tongue in a foreign land, got....are you ready for this.....SUNBURNED. That's right. They. Went. To. Mexico. And. Got. SUNBURNED! Nobody told them that they would get sunburned on a beach. In the Mexican sun. Very near the equator.
Or maybe someone did tell them. But it was in Spanish. And they no comprende.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Friday, May 9, 2008
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
I needed a few other things when I went to pick it up. I am obsessed with hair. Or lack of. I shave every night. I wax my bikini line and armpits. I needed more wax. And the best kind? The kind made for Brazilian waxing. The ones that say things like "Naughty Nads" or "Private Parts, Sexy, Smooth." I grabbed a few and headed towards the pharmacy desk. Then it occurred to me. I was buying Brazilian wax and picking up vaginal estrogen cream. I had a theme going. For the hell of it I grabbed a pack of tampons, even though I didn't need them. That ought to make the pharmacist wonder.
It was the young pharmacy tech that came to wait on me. The one that always seems so unsure of himself. He blushed when he saw the wax. He practically fainted when he saw the tampons. As he grabbed the medication, an evil thought popped into my head.
"Umm. Excuse me. Yeah. I just don't think I understand how I am supposed to use that medicine. Can you explain to me how to apply it?"
He smiles politely. He reads the label. His smiles fades, and his cheeks turn a bright shade of red. I let him stammer for a moment, before I start laughing. I was really hoping I could make him say "vagina."
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Mexican culture is more prevalent in Houston that American culture. Truly. So it makes total sense that we would celebrate Cinco de Mayo. Except of course, the US doesn't actually recognize it as a holiday, so we had to celebrate on Saturday. I guess that would make it Tres de Mayo. But I wore a sombrero and we drank margaritas and ate fajitas. Kenny and I even brought a pinata. Filled with Mexican candy that we bought at Food Town (Hey, Tiffany, I actually went in Food Town!).
Honestly, I wasn't in much of a party mood, but Kenny really wanted to go. I was determined to make the best of it for his sake. Besides, it had been awhile since I had seen a lot of those friends. I don't do much with that group because their idea of fun is still going to bars, getting wasted, and wandering back home to their parents home, where they still live, somewhere around 4am. God love them. That's just not me. And? There was a new girlfriend in the group. I was kind of anxious to check her out. A few others had met her already. They all had stories to tell. Like how in less than twenty minutes she told the same story about getting drunk and wrecking her car no less than four times. And how she thought this was hilarious, when no one else did. But I wasn't going to judge her based on their opinions. No, no. I was judging her based on the fact that I am really good friends with his ex, and I was going to hate her no matter what. Even if she wasn't annoying. Which she was.
For some reason New GF was hellbent on not being the newby, which meant someone else had to be. She picked me. Being ever so nice, she decided to take me under her wing and introduce me to everyone at the party. I let this go one for quite some time, hushing people if they tried to correct her. She was so sweet to introduce me to the girl I hung out with in jr. high, the guy I used to live down the street from in elementary school and the ex-girlfriend of Kenny's old roommate that I spent countless hours with when I first moved back to Houston. We settled into chairs at the table, and some of the girls started talking about the drunk of the group. I chimed in with the hilarious story of how he got banned from our house by first breaking Kenny's dishwasher in his old house, then licking me. New GF, looked slightly confused. She couldn't figure out how I knew him. But she she also seemed a little defensive. She immediately bombarded me with all of the good qualities of drunk-boy. I put my hand up to stop her. "I know. I don't hate him. He just can't come over anymore." She told me if I knew him better, I would understand. I laughed. I responded with, "Honey, I have known him since high school." She let this comment settle for a minute. Then? Suddenly she realized. If I knew him since high school, then I had to know everyone since then too. Her eyes narrowed. I smiled sweetly, then leaned toward one of the girls across the table and inquired about her family, whom I hadn't seen in a few years.
Later, we moved on to the subject of a friend's upcoming wedding. Over a year away. One off-hand comment about still not knowing what color she wanted to choose, and suddenly New GF has taken over the conversation. Apparently, being in SIX weddings last June made her the expert in weddings. She launched into a lengthy tirade of the proper styles of bridesmaid dresses and gifts and such that not even my "always a bridesmaid, never a bride" comment could halt. After she moved onto having contracts drawn up for the bridesmaids so that they would not change their hairstyle between now and the wedding, Kenny leaned forward. "Hey, New GF! I thought you were a nurse!" She looked at him, "I am." Kenny smirked. "Oh, I thought for sure you must be a wedding coordinator with all the expert knowledge you have." Her mouth clamped shut. The other girls stifled giggles. I laughed out loud. My Kenny is funny. He makes me so proud.
They day wore on, and I was about ready to go. Kenny and I made the rounds, saying goodbye to everyone. New GF was sitting at a table with several people. I said a collective goodbye to them. New GF made some remark about us leaving early. Apparently, my irritation with her was no longer veiled, and it showed in the look I gave her. "I'm sure that look doesn't really mean she thinks she is better than you!" I laughed. I leaned over and patted New GF on the back, "Oh Sweetie, yes it does." Then I turned and walked off. I am quite sure that New GF is still trying to decide if I was serious or not.
For the record. I was.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Friday, May 2, 2008
I was wrong. I often am.
Remember when I said I figured out how to breathe through it all? I think I forgot.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Today she walked in the door, asking to skip gymnastics before she even put her backpack down.
"Fine by me."
She looked at me shocked. Then, deciding to press her good luck, she asked for a friend to come over.
"Do your homework first."
She looked at me confused. "Mom, you know it is Thursday, right."
"Are you sick?"
Nope. Just sad. And mad. Mad that I have to make Emmi go through more tests. Emmi finished up the last of her antibiotics today. When I called the specialist last week, they seemed unconcerned with her kidney infection. It had been almost a week. I thought we were in the clear. Then the call came. I recognized the number, I assumed they were calling to check up on Emmi.
They weren't. Because of Emmi's test results we need to do a renal ultrasound right away. Not a problem. It is an easy test. We also now have to do the VCUG, the test I have been putting off. Every talks about how horrible it is. How much their children scream during it. How they are hurting after it. They can't be sedated, because it alters the test results. It is going to be horrible. And that may not be the worst of it. It may all lead up to her having surgery. Soon.
And suddenly I am very tired. I am tired of doing this all the time. I am tired of being blind-sided. It isn't fair. I want someone else's life. Well, at least for a day.