"Yeah, well, I am totally not surprised that you have a hooker for a cat.....Hooker."
I say it with such shock and lightness there is no way she can be mad at me for calling her a hooker. Plus, you can completely get away with calling your friends hookers when you make this face right afterwards.
Silence. I know Tiffany is giving me the look. Hehehe. She is scowling at me through the phone.
(Sorry Tiff. Hope you don't take offense to being HEIDI. She just makes the best scowly face.)
"Speaking of hookers, how many different dads do your kids have?" Boo. She wins. I change the subject.
"Hey remember the last time your cat had kittens and that girl bought one for her boyfriend?" We both start giggling.
"That was soooo not the kind of pussy he was asking for."
"Stupid girl. I bet she felt retarded when she was like 'look baby' and he was like 'what the hell is that' and she was like 'pussy, just like you asked for'. Maybe you should have told her before she took that poor kitty home."
"Hell no. I had to get rid of those kitties. Thank goodness for Craigslist."
"Just make sure you don't type in Craiglist. Unless you like porn, Tiff." I pause. She knows what is coming next. I never bring up porn without making Captain Hook jokes. Let's just say we were both accidentally subjected to viewing some homemade porn one day at work and all we can think of now when we hear the word "porn" is that maneuver we saw that we subsequently named the "Captain Hook".
"Holla!" Cause that is how we end every conversation.