We could be just like The Hills.

Tiffany and I should have our own reality show. We are just as entertaining as those Hills girls. We once even had a big, massive fight. I was all like, "I hate you. Fuck you." And then Tiffany was all like, "Oh yeah, well just for that I am going to up and move to Northy-South Carolina or wherever the hell it is I moved that Tricia can never remember the name of." Except our whole show would consist of phone calls. And mostly me driving around in my car while we talk. Cause that is the only time I talk on my phone. It is going to really suck when they make talking on your phone illegal while driving. But I digress. We, are the most entertaining people I know.

It is the dynamic we have. I say really outrageous things and act all shocked that, oops, I said it out loud. She pretends to be shocked in return or mad or disapproving. Then she fires back something equally as naughty. And we laugh at our cleverness. Entertaining. To us. We aren't nearly as fabulous though. We shop at Gap and AE, and drive mommy type cars around the suburbs. But still. A good show we would make.

Neither one of us ever says hello when we call, we launch straight into our story as soon as the phone is answered. Or if we do say hello, it is some sarcastic, sing-songy "Heeellloooooo." And we know there has been trouble. Like this morning when Jill missed the bus because she was busy kicking the dashboard of Kenny's truck, which she was sitting in because she wasn't allowed to walk to the bus stop with her friends after she hit her sister over a piggy bank argument. I made her write sentences and apology letters for the hour she had to wait until Emmi's bus came and I could take her to school. I had my phone out before I was even back in my car from dropping her off.

"I am going to beat my child when she gets home today. Is that allowed? Remember the good 'ole days when beating children was okay?"

Tiffany sighed. "Ahhh. Why weren't we parents then? It was probably more fun to be parents then. So, good day so far?"

"Yeah. The best." I launch into the explanation of how my child was really naughty this morning, which reminds her of the naughty thing her son did.

"I forgot to tell you. Mason let the cat out again. When it came back in, it laid around for a few days just like last time. You know what that means? It. Is. Pregnant. AGAIN."

"Yeah, well, I am totally not surprised that you have a hooker for a cat.....Hooker."

I say it with such shock and lightness there is no way she can be mad at me for calling her a hooker. Plus, you can completely get away with calling your friends hookers when you make this face right afterwards.

Silence. I know Tiffany is giving me the look. Hehehe. She is scowling at me through the phone.

(Sorry Tiff. Hope you don't take offense to being HEIDI. She just makes the best scowly face.)

"Speaking of hookers, how many different dads do your kids have?" Boo. She wins. I change the subject.

"Hey remember the last time your cat had kittens and that girl bought one for her boyfriend?" We both start giggling.

"That was soooo not the kind of pussy he was asking for."

"Stupid girl. I bet she felt retarded when she was like 'look baby' and he was like 'what the hell is that' and she was like 'pussy, just like you asked for'. Maybe you should have told her before she took that poor kitty home."

"Hell no. I had to get rid of those kitties. Thank goodness for Craigslist."

"Just make sure you don't type in Craiglist. Unless you like porn, Tiff." I pause. She knows what is coming next. I never bring up porn without making Captain Hook jokes. Let's just say we were both accidentally subjected to viewing some homemade porn one day at work and all we can think of now when we hear the word "porn" is that maneuver we saw that we subsequently named the "Captain Hook".

"Penis Pan!"

"Captain Hook!"

"Holla!" Cause that is how we end every conversation.