Avoidance.

I have been avoiding writing this all day. I don't really know what to say or not to say. I have no official test results. I have been told exactly nothing. I don't really need to be told anything. I know what I saw. I saw one good, healthy, perfectly normal kidney. Just one. And another that appeared black. Almost solidly. Hydronephrosis. No one has to tell me. No one has to give me an official report. I saw it myself. The question that won't be answered until Monday is how severely damaged is the kidney now? How far gone is it? Are we beyond removing the duplicated collection system? Has she crossed into full-blown kidney failure? I have known for quite some time that Emmi would eventually need surgery. I even knew that there was the risk that she would loose the whole kidney. I just kind of thought it wouldn't ever happen. I thought it would stop.

I was wrong. I often am.

Remember when I said I figured out how to breathe through it all? I think I forgot.