Your Kid Looks Like A Hooker.

My absolute favorite jeans are Guess Daredevil Flares. Except Guess went all skinny jean on me, and stopped carrying them except for those damn distressed ones. Look, Guess, the reason I am in your store is 'cause my damn jeans got a hole in them. I don't want to buy more holes, hookers. So I kept wearing the holey ones, because that just made me trendy and such. Then, it got ridiculous. There were practically no knees and the hemline was completely gone, plus the jeans were now a size to big.

I went on a search for jeans. As I tried on about the twentieth pair, Tiffany called me. I quickly announced that I was trying to wiggle my ass into jeans at the teenie bopper store to explain away all the loud music and the heavy panting. I chattered away, loudly while I changed, and the mother and daughter in the stall next door argued over the length of a skirt.

None of the jeans worked. Tiffany wished me luck in my continued search, and got off the phone with me. But not before we, in our typical manner, made comments that included her calling me old (hey I am younger than your hubby, woman) and me telling her she was jealous of my jeans size. And you know, giving her pointers for how to get to said jeans size.

"One cup of coffee in the morning. Starbucks for lunch. Nothing else. An apple later in the day. Eat nothing else." We laughed, said our good byes, and then I walked out of the dressing room.

And right into Momma From The Stall Next Door. She stood hands on hip.

"That is a horrible way to talk to your friend. Young lady, you are a very rude person, and your advice you gave to your friend was disgusting," she said. "If I were your mother, I would be very concerned about you."

Really. It wasn't even worth my time to answer. But, you know I can never resist.

"If you were my mother, you would know I was joking. Also, if you were my mother, you would never talk down to another adult like she was a child. And, if you were my mother, you would never have let me walk all over you and buy that skirt that makes your fourteen-year-old look like a hooker."