And then.

I have been fighting for a year to get Emmi approved for bilateral implantation. It is everything I have worked for. I have taken psychological exams, taken Emmi for multiple tests, and spent hours with therapists. All of this in preparation for a second implant. It has been depending on insurance for months. We keep getting surgery dates, then getting denied coverage.

And then, the coordinator calls me tonight to tell me that we have been approved. They are trying to squeeze Emmi into an opening on Wednesday. In TWO days. Now that it is here, I am not sure I want to do it. How can I explain to her that the hair she loves has to be shaved off and that she will be in pain, but it will be for her own good? I will be putting her through this for what? For my own satisfaction? So I can say I did textbook mothering? That I was perfect and persistent? I am worrying that maybe it isn't best for her. Sure the therapists all say there is a huge difference between one implant and two, but it won't improve her speech. Her palate will still be too short. I am scared now. I know I should sleep on it. I know I might feel different tomorrow, but right now I just want to call and cancel.