Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Meow. Ehem. Me-ouch.

I know this happened awhile back, but I thought some of you might enjoy.

Kenny pulls into the driveway with a car full of boxes and a grin. "Hey Baby, guess what I found?" Uhh. Boxes? "No. Boxes FULL of Arden B and Bebe clothing in your size from one of the condos I manage." Apparently the tenants moved out and left me a present. We'll call it compensation for all of the crap they caused during their lease. Kenny drags the boxes out of the car and into the garage. "The neighborhood garage sell is this weekend, so whatever you don't want, we'll sell." I make two piles and begin sorting through my goodies. Score. Score. Score. Garage sell. Score. Kenny is definitely on my good side now. I rip into box three.

"Uhh, Kenny, did you open this one."

"No. Why?"

"What did you say she did for a living?"

My guess. A stripper. I mean no one has that many see through tops and rip away skirts. Except maybe Sheri. I kid. Sort of. I pull out a feather trimmed, see-through robe to unearth, that's right, a full-body leopard print catsuit. Oh hell. After a good laugh, we toss it into the garage sell pile. The Mexican ladies who show up at the end of the sell and offer you $20 for all of the rest of your belongings will definitely get off as soon as they see that.

But then a glass of wine later, and I formulate a plan. Hehee. I am funny. While Kenny goes out to water the grass, I sneak out to the garage and grab the leopard suit. I am giggling so hard I can barely pull the thing on. It is about as far from attractive as you can imagine. Bright orange spots stretched tight against a two-time, child producing belly. Hell. Even better. I find the tackiest black shoes I can find, and to top it off, head up the stairs to steal a feather boa out of the kids' dress up box.

I open the bedroom door a crack to make sure Kenny is still outside. I don't want to spoil the effect before I find the feather boa. I call his name. I listen. Nothing. I open the door a bit more. And then I hear the growling. "Shut up, Sadie," I hiss. The dog starts barking. Then Macy the Lazy Dog jumps off the couch. Grrrrrr. "Shut up." Macy lunges at me. The damn dog tried to bit me!

I run. In heels. And a leopard catsuit. Across the wood floor that I am trying not to scratch with my black heels. Kenny hears the commotion. He opens the door just as Macy bites me on the ass.



Sheri said...

That story still cracks me up. Hey, and quit selling my work clothes. Do you know how much of a bitch it was to replace that shit?

Paloma said...

I'm cracking up at the mental picture! Are you sure you don't want to save the catsuit for Halloween? You could pair it with some cowboy boots, a bad wig, and ratty denim mini skirt and pretend you're Britney Spears.

Leah J. said...

Freakin' hilarious! Loved that story!!!