Monday, October 29, 2007

Tricks and Treats. But Mostly Tricks.

I think she did it on purpose. Ashley is sneaky like that. She is probably sitting at home laughing her ass off. Why you ask? Because she tricked me.

"Are you going to the Halloween Carnival this weekend," Ashley asked during the girl's gymnastics class on Wednesday.

"No. Are you?"

"Well, yeah. You should come, because we are. And bring Kenny, because I am making James come."

"Alright. I'll work on that."

Sunday afternoon, I shove two kids decked out in full Halloween regalia into the car. One angel, lip stuck out, pouting that her halo is not 'haloish enough.' One devil laughing hysterically at passing cars. Posted outside of the gym is Scooby Doo formerly known as Jill's gymnastics instructor.

"Are you on the list," Scooby asks.

"What list? I didn't know there was any list. I thought we just showed up with kids and costumes, and you let us in the door."

"Well, if you have already paid, you are on the list. Otherwise, I need you to pay." Scooby's head boobles as she talks.

Pay? What the fuck. Four flyers came home this month, and not one of them mentioned pay. I pull out a ten dollar bill, assuming it would cover the cost.

"Oh, I am sorry. It is ten per child."

What the hell are you handing out in there? Crack laced candy bars? Tweny dollars?! Scooby, you are crazy. I contemplate dragging both children back into the car, but I fear the consequences. I part with my twenty dollars, open the doors of the gym, and step into hell.

Screaming children coked out on Halloween candy, cookies, and juice streak across the room. Parents run after, video camera in hand. Infants crawl across the mats while older children use them as props in leap frog. A golfer, a princess, a sunflower, and Batman similtaneously swing from the bars. Cinderella and Tinkerbell loudly argue over who was in line first for ring toss. An angel and devil take off running in different directions. In seconds, I have lost them both.

I scan the room for Ashley or James or any of her three children. Nope. None. I check the time. It is still early. Ten minutes pass. I watch the door. Nope. Twenty minutes pass. I find Emmi and Jill scarfing down cookies and juice. No Niamh, no Rosy, no Kitty. No Ashley. No James. Fifteen more minutes pass. Still no Ashley.

Kenny and I begin pleading with the kids to leave. We offer pumpkin carving, bike riding, money. Hell, at this point I would give Jill my car, if she would just leave. My ears are aching from all the screaming. I have sticky, candy slime on my leg. I want to go home.

Finally, Jill relents. Or they ran out of candy to pass out. Whatever. I claim victory. We are in sight of the door. Both kids, hand in hand, bellies full of candy and cookies, happily head out. Then....

"WHO WANTS FACE PAINTING?!" Children swarm a large penguin carrying brushes and face paint.

Jill turns. Emmi turns. "Oh no you don't. We are going home to carve pumpkins RIGHT NOW. I CAN"T TAKE IT ANYMORE." I break. Tears stream down my face. I begin to shake.

Ashley sits at home laughing. Trick or fucking treat.


Tiffany said...

$20?! That is crazy! I hate stuff like that because one way or another you are going to come home with a sick, candy cracked out child. I will be giving out sprouts and carrots this year. Parents, you can thank me later. ;)

Sheri said...

OMG!!! Why on earth would they charge THAT much for it? They must be coked out. How much did you have to make it up to Kenny? LOL