Saturday, December 1, 2007

Dear Santa...

Jill has been working on a letter to Santa. She cut pictures from catalogs, pasted them onto a piece of paper, and then wrote why she 'needed' each item. Inspired, I decided to write a letter to Santa, also. I left out the pictures, because I figured some would verge on pornography.

So here goes....

Dear Santa,

I've been an awful good girl. Okay, not really, but I always liked that line in the song. Anyway, the reason I am writing is that I have a few itty, bitty, teeny, tiny requests for Christmas. You see, I have spent countless days cleaning up after children, cooking for our family, grocery shopping, helping with homework, driving to gymnastics classes and doctor's appointments, cleaning up throw up, bandaging scrapes, dressing kids for school, packing lunches....the list goes on. I know I scream and yell sometimes. I know that I complain. I promise next year I will do better. But I think all of the work I did is worth something. And really, they aren't huge requests.

First, I would like boobies. Ones that end above my belly button. Perky would be nice. Not large. Just where God orginally intended them to be. I feel like I deserve boobies. I eat right. I excercise. I even lost ten pounds recently. Unfortunately, eight of those came from my boobs, making them hang lower than they did before. So Santa, could you please reinflate my boobies?

Next, I would like a white noise machine. One that drowns out the sound of screaming children and yet another Miley Cyrus song. As I am sure it would have to be a powerful machine, it could be quite large in size. Should you not be able to accommdate this in your sleigh, I will take earplugs. Either way.

Also, could I borrow one of your elves? I know that generally they are in the toy building business, but they seem like such good, obedient workers. Can they be trained to clean a house? One should be enough. Although, perhaps he might need a ladder, as well. Our cabinets are quite tall. I can't even reach beyond the second shelf. Which reminds me, I also need a stepstool. Kenny keeps putting things out of my reach. I think he does it for his own entertainment. But back to the elf. I just want a little help with the housework, which is why a little elf should be fine.

Another much needed item, is a speaker and a tape recording of several key phrases. If you could just pipe the phrases, "Absolutely not," "Because I said so," "You are not wearing that to school," and "We are no longer discussing it" over a PA through out the house, I think I might not have to talk all day. It would give my voice a much needed break, and solve many problems in our home.

Last, could you just get me one of those EASY buttons I keep seeing on TV?

Thanks, Santa. You are the best.


No comments: