Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum

I finally got into the doctor to find out why I have been in pain for four months (and yes, I have an answer, but that is not what this story is about). After a string of incredibly horrible OB/GYNs, I finally found one that came highly recommended by my wonderful GP. The GP that I think the world of. So I figured this one had to be a good one. I was anxious about the appointment. Kenny sensed this, so when our errands ran longer than expected, he decided just to come with me. We sat in the waiting room for about thirty minutes. Thirty full minutes. The longest thirty minutes of my life. And also the best birth control ever.

The waiting room was small. Along one wall, directly across from Kenny and I, sat a husband, wife, and grandma. Wifey's blood pressure was quite high, and she was being induced early the next morning. Hubby had work to wrap up before baby appeared a month early, so Grandma was there to help out. Nice, sweet couple. I wished them 'Good Luck.' Along the other wall sat Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Fuckin' Dumbass Pregnant Girl.

They were ten. Or thereabouts. And giggly. And on their second child, although, as TFDPGirl announced, a little sooner than plan. Huh? Like your first one was planned? Seriously. But who am I to judge. I didn't exactly plan either of my children, but at least I made it past Jr. high first. TFDPGirl seemed happy about her pregnancy and, yes, impeding marriage. Guess after Tweedle Dee knocked her up a second time, Mommy and Pops decided they should get hitched.

"So Tweedle Dee, do we really have to wait till this baby pops out to get married?"

"Well, shit yeah, TFDPGirl. My mom said she would pay for us a cruise for our honeymoon, but I gotta wait until I am off probation first. I can't be leavin' the state till then."

"Oh." Giggle, giggle, tee hee. TFDPGirl ponders this a minute. "Well, if your dumbass didn't get arrested we could be goin' on a honeymoon." She thumps his hat off his head. In return he pokes her in her belly, making her giggle more.

"Tweedle Dee, STOP. I HAVE TO PEE. AND I AM PREGNANT, SO I MIGHT PEE MYSELF."

He tickles her more, causing her to knock the magazine rack over.

"I gonna makes you PISS YOURSELF. OHHHIE YOU GONNA PISS ALL OVERS YOURSELF."

Tweedle Dee soon tires of attempting to make TFDPGirl pee her pants, and pulls out his lighter. He depresses the button without igniting the lighter, pumping lighter fluid fumes out into a room full of pregnant women. TFDPGirl fusses at him. He tells her to 'shut the fuck up' as she is not the 'boss of him.' Beautiful. Really. I wish Kenny would talk to me that way. He plays with his lighter for a few more seconds, before the woman on his right grabs it from his hand and sets in on the table. She gives him a glare that says, "Touch that lighter and die." Being that he is ten, these looks apparently still work. He slouches down in his chair, and for a few brief seconds he shuts up. And then falls asleep. The waiting room silently cheers. Whoohooo! We don't have to listen to him anymore. I pray that I will be called before he wakes up.

But then, TFDPGirl doesn't know how to entertain herself for more than three minutes, so she nudges him awake. He snarls, repositions, and attempts to keep sleeping. TFDPGirl whacks him over the head.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU BITCH?!"

"Wake your ass up. I have to sit here pregnant, and you just have to sit here. Maybe if you weren't out till three in the morning drinking then you wouldn't be so damn tired."

"Maybe if you weren't such a bitch, I wouldn't stay out late."

"Well, maybe....ohhhh...the baby's kicking. Wanna feel." She grabs Tweedle Dee's hand and places it on her belly. A dumb grins fills his face.

"Ahhh Baby, that is the coolest shit. I love you," Tweedle Dee says. Then TFDPGirl licks him across the face, and dissolves into giggles.

4 comments:

Not a Granny said...

You know if it wasn't for the child, I would make some sort of smart ass comment. There are some people who should NOT reproduce!

Tiffany said...

Why are you tellin' my story on the internet?

I am Trish Marie said...

Oh Tiff. Honey. Not even you could top these two. Think more along the lines of Shawn. That's right. I said it. S-H-A-W-N. Hahahaha. (Everyone else is confused, but Tiffany is laughing.)

Paloma said...

This is heartwarming, really.


I've always said that people should be required to take out a license to breed!