Thursday, February 28, 2008

Tiffany's Stalker. Part III.

Okay, see, I have a bajillion funny stories in my "Tribute to Tiffany." And they all make me giggle thinking about them. They make Tiff giggle too. Then we get on the phone and we laugh some more about how fucking hysterical we are. So the point is I have to go ahead and finish up the Stalker story, so I can move on to some of the other stories.

It had been awhile since Violent had shown up at Tiffany's house, but that didn't stop her from calling and calling and calling...until one day. She stopped. Tiffany and I stared at the phone in stunned silence. Maybe it was broken? Was there a dial tone? Surely Violent the Stalker hadn't finally gotten the hint? Or? Maybe she had.

And when she finally got it, it was baaaad. Real bad. It started with the emails. Demanding ones. Apparently Tiffany had a book and an outfit that her child had long since grown out of that she needed back URGENTLY. She demanded that Tiffany mail them to her. Right away. The urgency of it all sort of scared Tiffany. She mailed them out that day.

It should have been the end. But it wasn't. Violent was pissed. And she wanted revenge.

I imagine her sitting at her computer, squinting her beady little eyes (okay, in reality, she didn't have beady little eyes, but go with it. It makes the story better.), rubbing her hands together, throwing back her head, cackling before she settled in to draft her email. The one to the mommies of the online message board. We don't know the exact wording of the email, but I am sure it goes something like this:

Hey Online Message Board Type People,

This is Violent. Well, my real name is Violet. But I stalk people and write scarily demanding emails, so most people have taken to calling me Violent. It fits. And no one ever gave me a nickname before, because I have no friends. Also, I like to tell people about how I have no friends. Actually, it was the second sentence out of my mouth when first meeting Tricia. Come to think of it, I also told this fact to Tiffany right of the bat, which should have been a warning. But that Tiffany girl is a suuuucccckkkkaaaa! And a bitch. Which is why I am writing. I want everyone to stop talking to that hooker right this minute. And if you don't, I am going to show up at each and every one of your homes. If that doesn't phase you, I will call until you have to take the phone off the hook. Don't make me hunt you down.

Hugs and Kisses,

Tiffany got kicked off the message board the same day.