Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Hatchin' Stupid Retarded Grow Turtle

Note: If the use of the word retarded by my child or by me (in a joking manner) will offend you, do not read! But please understand, I do not condone making fun of anyone with disabilities. Unless of course I making fun of Emmi. I am allowed to poke fun at my own child when she does things like run smack into the side of the short bus. Seriously, I wish I had a picture of that moment. But in all seriousness, I am the kind of person who believes you have to laugh at yourself, so I use words and make jokes that may shock people. However, I will never tolerate the purposeful intent to harm or malicious jokes or words. With that said.....
Note the turtle on the left is Jill's. The turtle on the right that has sufficiently "popped!" out of it's shell is Emmi's.

The Easter Bunny thought it would be fun to leave the children less candy and more toys. The Easter Bunny is stupid. Well, one half of the Easter Bunny, anyway. The half that bought the turtles. The turtles that have caused lots and lots of screaming in my house. We will call that half of the Easter Bunny, "Laura." Oddly enough, this is also my sister's name.

The children were off taking group photos when the Easter Bunny delivered perhaps the best Easter Baskets ever to the back porches of our cabins. But I guess that is what happens when you have two "Easter Bunnies" splitting duties. You get really fantastic Easter Baskets. Me personally? I was impressed with the Tinkerbell Color Wonder, knock-off floam, and glow bracelets. But my kids? They honed in on those Hatchin' Grow Turtles. It was all I could do to get them to wait until we got home to set them up. Time is of no concept to them, so explaining that they needed to sit undisturbed for 48-72 hours and we were leaving in 24 hours was of no use. I distracted them with the small amount of candy they had in their baskets and lured them away.

We barely made it one foot in the door before they had those eggs out, ready to grow a turtle. I pantomimed/signed/acted/told Emmi what it was. "See it is an egg now. We are going to put it in water, the POP, it will be a turtle." She got really excited. She ran around the house yelling, "POP," and hopping as she said it. Jill read the instructions. Jill helped me fill the bowls. Jill carefully placed her turtle egg in the water. Emmi launched hers from across the room, giggling as it splashed water across the cabinet.

"You are going to mess yours up!" Jill taunted her. Then she leaned close to her bowl and whispered, "I will be a good Mommy to you. I will make sure you hatch right. I won't throw you across the room."

A day later, I peer into the bowls. Shit, shit, shit. Emmi's has "POPPED!" Jill's has still done nothing. I reread the directions. Okay. It says 48-72 hours. Still plenty of time. I check it every few hours. Jill comes home from school. She runs immediately to the turtles. Before she can start whining, I start reciting the directions. "There is still plenty of time, Jill. Plenty. Emmi's just popped out early." Jill looks pissed, but says nothing. Damn. I should have switched the bowls. Too late now. She glares at me, then runs off to play. The turtles seem forgotten for the time being.

This morning as I hand Jill her breakfast, she asks, "Exactly how many days is 48 hours?" I know where this is going. I try to glance at the turtles before answering her. I can clearly see hers has done nothing.

"Well, Jill is says 48 to 72 hours. That is ONE MORE DAY." I try to buy some time. Maybe I can go stock up on some more turtles while she is in school, and get one of the damn things to pop out.

She climbs up onto the cabinet. "My turtle is stupid. It won't work." She pulls it from the water. The shell, softened by the water breaks, revealing a still shrivelled turtle. "Ewwwww. Look at my turtle!"

I giggle. Probably not the appropriate response. Jill stares at me. "Mom. LOOK AT THIS."

"Now, Jill. Just cause your turtle looks different doesn't mean you should love it less. It can't help that it was born that way. Do you love Emmi less because she is deaf?" Kenny practically spits his coffee out.

She looks at me. "Mom. This is just a Hatchin' Stupid Retarded Grow Turtle." Uh. No shit. That was the point I was trying to make.


kw said...

O my God-- You're hilarious! My kids are grown, and I enjoyed reading this so much. We had some of those retarded grow animals too. The dialog with kids never quite turns out the way it's supposed to.

zakary said...

So funny! We don't say 'retarded' in our house. We say 'aretards' because we are refined and shit.

J said...

You crack me up so bad, I have to tell you. I am deleting Google Reader because it is evil and I don't leave you any love when I read your blog from there. Damn Google and their evilness.

Not a Granny said...

We had the stupid seahorse things. The kids would cry so hard when they died.

David said...

OMG you had me doubled over at "The Easter Bunny thought it would be fun to leave the children less candy and more toys. The Easter Bunny is stupid" and then I peed myself at the rest of the story.
We used to go around the house and say (with a bit of a hair lip sound), "My brothers in Univerisity...he's in a jar"
Great post, thanks for making my snowy afternoon here.

David said...

I just read for a second time!

Allie Bear said...

LMAO, your Easter bunny has multiple personality disorder?

I am Trish Marie said...

We spent Easter with my sister and her family. We both pitched in for Easter Bunny duties. I guess, I didn't make that clear enough!

But given the amount of craziness around here, an Easter Bunny with multiple personality disorder might not be that odd!

Sheri said...