Please hold.

Yesterday, I finally got around to switching phone plans. Both home and cell. At home? We have unlimited nationwide calling. Caller ID. Call waiting. The works. But we have NO PHONE. None. We just use our cell phones. The home phone basically serves no purpose other than our DSL line. The home phone broke, and by broke I mean flew across the room when I was pissed off, over six months ago. Sure we get a fax or two here and there, but we certainly didn't need the top of the line plan. Also, I had domain hosting that needed to go. I called AT&T.

"Thank you for calling AT&T, we may be monitoring this call for training purposes...blah, blah, blah. My name is Joshua, I speak with a heavy Indian accent and the phone line is crackling from the distance from America to India. But I truly swear my name is Joshua. How may I assist you today?"

Already, I distrust the man. Come on now. I know someone did some study and decided that we would be happier with outsourcing if we made these poor underpaid people pretend they have American names. Seriously? How on Earth can I trust you when the first thing you do is lie to me? Next time, when they ask me to state my name, I will first state my name, then tell them I would prefer to be called Padmashri. See if they don't feel mocked when the tables are turned on them. But I digress.

"Well, Joshua, I need to make some changes to my service. I need to drop my phone line to the basic plan. I want to get rid of all of the features on the phone. All of them. All I want is a plain 'ole phone line."

"Great. Have you heard about our wonderful packages? We can bundle your phone, Internet, and cable TV....."

I cut him off. I didn't want a package. I wanted to get rid of features, not add them. I said it as clearly as possible.

He launches into another ten minute explanation of the benefits of the packages.

"Seriously, I JUST WANT TO REMOVE THE FEATURES FROM THE PHONE! Do not keep trying to sell me something. I don't want your TV service. I don't want to change my Internet service. I don't want nationwide calling on my phone line. I want you to remove the features from my phone line. All of them."

Joshua sighs, "Alright then ma'am. I can see you are not interested in saving money. You just let me know when you are ready to save money," he says in a snide tone.

I snap. "Are you fucking INSANE? You are not saving me money by trying to make me buy more features when I told you I wanted to get rid of features. I am trying to save me money. You are trying to make me buy more things. JUST REMOVE THE DAMN FEATURES NOW!"

Joshua shuts his trap. I hear keys clicking in the background. Joshua asks me to 'please hold.' I am on hold for fifteen minutes. I am quite sure this is payback for calling him insane. Finally Joshua returns to the line.

"Okay ma'am, I have removed the features from your phone. Is there anything more I can help you with?"

I tell him about the web hosting I would like to remove.

"I will transfer you to the correct department." Fucking fantastic. "But before I transfer you, can I ask you to rate your service from 1 to 5?" Is zero an option?

Joshua transfers me. I get transferred three more times. I am on hold a total of 27 minutes. And then....

"Oh ma'am I am sorry but you must call another number for web hosting." I hear the smile in her voice. This is all Joshua's fault. I am sure he has put them up to this. That damn Joshua. Fuck.

Still. One day later. I have not managed to get the web hosting removed. I hate the phone company. They are the devil.