Friday, April 11, 2008

Balloons and Hookers. (Search that!)

I was so going to write all about how I went to pick up my bridesmaid dress and it all went wrong. Shoes not dyed. Alterations that I paid an arm and leg for not complete. But what happened afterwards definitely takes the cake. Sorry David's Bridal. Not even your stupidity could top this.

The girls got balloons last night at Family Fun Night. Emmi brought hers with us to go get my dress. We had not been out of the car the two seconds before the damn thing was whisked out of her hand by the wind. I frantically jumped around the parking lot trying to catch it. No balloon. Just one pissed off Emmi. I promised her another balloon. I signed "more" and "wait" and "later" and hoped she would get the message that I was going to get her another balloon. She seemed content. We made it through the appointment with no complaints from Emmi. As soon as we were back in the parking lot, she starting saying, "balloon," over and over again.

We stopped at CVS on the way home. On the card isle, they had several balloons already blown up. They were all birthday. And ugly. I wasn't buying them. I took Emmi to the rack with the balloons you can purchase for them to blow up. While we were looking, a little boy streaked by, no mother in sight, a balloon hanging from his mouth, twelve toy dinosaurs in his hands. He growled at Emmi as he ran past. For some reason, Emmi found him funny. And she liked his yellow smiley face balloon. She picked the last two smiley face balloons. One for her. One for Jill.

We took our purchases up to the front of the store. The line was long. There was one cashier. While we waiting, the crazy child ran by a few more times, abandoning the balloon he had been playing with. Being one of those parents that believes in, I don't know, watching your children, I was already annoyed with his non-existent mother. Really? Who lets a four-year-old wander around a store by himself? The fourth time he ran by, he got in Emmi's face and screamed. I contemplated tripping him. But, knowing my luck, his mama would appear and she would be twice my size. Besides, I had already caused my fair share of trouble for the day at David's Bridal.

When we got to the front of the line, the cashier rang us up, putting the packages with the balloons into the bag. "Ummm....aren't you going to blow those up?"

He looks at me pleadingly. The line was still long. I think he really thought he was going to pull that off. Like I wouldn't figure out that I wanted them blown up. "Can you wait just a few minutes? I am the only one here."

I thought about being a smartass. Saying something about me already waiting. But I just didn't have it in me. And he looked like he didn't either. I agreed. Stepped aside. Waited. Finally the line died down. He blew up one balloon, attached the string, and handed it to Emmi. He blew up the second balloon, reached for the string, and the balloon slips out of his hand, floating high up to the ceiling, well beyond anyone's reach. Shit. That was the last one.

But then I remembered the abandoned balloon on the other side of the store. The one the little crazy heathen had been playing with earlier. "Hey, there is one blown up back there I can get," I explain. The cashier looks relieved. Emmi and I walk to the back of the store. I grab the balloon and hand it to Emmi. Out of nowhere the crazy kid materializes with mama right behind him.

He knocks Emmi over. "THAT IS MY BALLOON YOU HOOKER!" He jerks the balloon from her hand. His mom does nothing. She just stands there. Oh hell no.

"Oh no it isn't. We just bought that balloon." Then I grab it from him, and I turn on his mother. "What kind of parent are you? Seriously? First, trying watching your kid in the store. Second, when your kid pushes another kid, how about you do something other than stand there. And third. Hooker? You teach your kid to call other children hookers? What kind of idiot are you. The correct term is 'prostitute'."

And with that, I walked out.

4 comments:

J said...

OMG you have got balls!! I love it! That mom deserved it, though.

PS. My answers have been posted!!

Allie Bear said...

I'm way bigger than you but I pretty much will never cross you because you are one scary mofo! Serisouly though, I would have done the same, you go girl (giving the finger snap).

Erin and Liann said...

"Hooker? You teach your kid to call other children hookers? What kind of idiot are you. The correct term is 'prostitute'."

I am totally impressed!! Way to tell her what for..... and the last part? That just takes the cake!!

Lee

That Chick Over There said...

OH HELLS NO!